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The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." v "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Bush and Saddam Meeting
Bush and Saddam sit down in a private meeting in Baghdad. Both sit in separate arm chairs.
Whilst talking, Saddam pushes a button and a glove comes out and hits bush square on the jaw. He starts laughing hysterically but bush lets it slide.
20 minutes later, Saddam pushes another button and a mechanical foot comes out and gives bush a belter on the shins. Again hysterical laughter but bush wants diplom*oil*acy so he ignores it.
Another 20 minutes and Saddam pushes a third button on the armchair and bush gets hit in the gut by the fist and in the groin by the foot. Saddam is crying with laughter and bush finally gets up and leaves saying to Saddam let our next meeting be in Washington.
*next meeting*
Saddam comes into the white house and sees two arm chairs, the one bush is sitting in has three buttons on one of the arms.
In the discussion bush presses each of the buttons and each time Saddam craps himself whilst bush laughs uncontrollably. Nothing happens to Saddam each time
Saddam leaps up and cries "that's it! I'm going back to Baghdad" after the third time, Bush just sits back and laughs
"WHAT BAGHDAD????"
The Asylum
A guy has a flat tire on the road by a fence of an asylum for mentally ill patients. While changing the tire he manages to lose the lug nuts and can't secure the spare tire to the car. An inmate standing by the fence is watching and says "Take one nut off the other three tires until you can replace the ones you lost." The motorist is dumbfounded and says "how did you come up with that? That's a really good idea." The patient says "I'm mentally ill, not stupid."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Yet Another Genie....
A guy goes in a bar, orders a drink and sits there stewing. Bartender says "hey pal, things always get better, here's one on house. By the way what's in the box?"
The guy opens it, obviously agitated. Inside is a tiny grand piano and a one foot tall man. The little man sits down at the piano and proceeds to outplay the musical geniuses of the classical era.
The bartender says "Wow!! How can you be so undone with this?!? You can be rich!"
The guy then explains he found the old lamp, rubbed it and as the story goes out popped a genie.
"And this is what I got. The S.O.B. was half deaf. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch pianist??"
Pig Thief
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a charge that he stole a neighbour's pig. His attorney maintained that he was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the pig?"
Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The Greedy Trader
A successful trader parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out a lorry came along too close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's side. The trader immediately grabbed his mobile and dialled 999. It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again. After the trader finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you traders are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions you don't notice anything else" "How can you say that?" asked the trader.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been torn off from when the truck hit you" The trader looked down in absolute horror.
"Fucking Hell!" he screamed… "Where's my rolex?"
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